Bothered about Borderline

I woke up one morning and felt different, I felt like my body was no longer mine, someone had taken over my mind and was dictating to it, dishing out commands like a little Hitler of some sort.
I began to isolate myself, surely no one wanted me, I was a pest, I was better off alone than with people who considered me baggage. But you see I didn’t want people to abandon me, I was scared of being alone, and my greatest fear was that of being left alone. I was terrified of being abandoned, of my friends leaving me. I would even sell my happiness to the devil if it meant those I loved staying with me, it was that bad. I wish I can put in detailed words how that feeling is, but even my creative imagination hasn’t found the right words for it yet.
Then came the pattern of unstable intense relationships, such that I would love someone one minute, idealize someone, turn them into a mini god in my life and would willingly die for the person, but then the next minute I couldn’t stand the person any longer, I will have crazy thoughts in my head that the person wasn’t worth my time, or he/she was cruel or that they hated me (I am terribly sorry to anyone I acted like this to, it wasn’t my fault)
I also started having rapid changes in myself identity/self image. One moment I wanted to be like person A and do all the stuff they do, the next moment I wanted to be someone else, my personalities kept changing, I didn’t know who I wanted to be, or what I wanted to do career wise. It just kept changing and changing. I started losing touch with reality, I created my own bubble, a safe haven for me, in that bubble I was behaving well. I was living a dream that was a lie, a dream that was all in my head. I had wonderful extended family members and siblings, when in reality I was the only child and my extended family members sucked.
The impulsiveness was out of this world, I would make hasty decisions that I would end up regretting terribly, cut people off in the spur of the moment decision, spend recklessly. Was it the self-harm? What didn’t I do? I burned my skin with electric iron, electric heater,whipped myself, banged my joints on the hands and legs on hard surfaces until it swole up,cut myself with razor blades, or blades from shaving sticks, overdosed on prescribed medication. I got hooked (addicted) to the drugs and also the self-harm.
I started thinking of suicide, I would overdose and wait for death, I would slit my wrist and wait for death but it never came.
I felt misunderstood, neglected, alone, empty, worthless, without purpose. I hated myself, and began to tell on my relationship with family members and friends. I started to question my faith in God. I just wanted to die. I became angry, aloof and cruel even. I wanted to be out going, adventurous like all my friends were doing having the time of their lives, I wanted that so bad.
Finally I went to the hospital, surely this wasn’t just only depression that I had been earlier diagnosed of, and I needed answers to what I was going through.
 And I was right; the psychiatrist told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder.  Ever heard about it? No? That’s what I thought. I never even knew such a word existed until the doctors told me about it. For a minute I was confused, in my mind I was asking what the heck was that? Well I’m going to save you the stress of wondering and explain what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is.BPD is also referred to as emotional dysregulation disorder. It is a mental disorder characterized by unstable moods, behavior and relationships, and all of the above symptoms I mentioned.
I was placed on more medication. I had relapses, now and then, and one even had me end up in the hospital for weeks. I had not just depression to think about; I also had BPD to deal with. Life hasn’t been fair to me now, has it? But I’m still here, fighting with the strength of a warrior because the world owes me nothing.
If you are in any situation that might wreck havoc on your mental health, leave immediately. The brain needs pampering too. I know a lot of you are wondering what caused my mental illnesses, it was bullying and a list of other things I can’t mention here. Get out of that situation you are in before it gets bad, speak out if need be, if only I had spoken up, reached out, maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be here.
To those of you who have friends, family members, or know those with mental health challenges, reach out. Even when you don’t understand what they are going through, empathize. Give your support and love. Let’s join hands and fight against the stigma surrounding mental health.
Thank you for reading, don’t forget to leave your comments, and also share.
WANYANDE ADZO