ANGER

 

 

 

 

ANGER.

 Such a short and simple word that carry a lot of heaviness, burden and consequences along with it. I’ve thought of a catchy sentence to start with, but nothing seemed catchy enough.

In the years I’ve lived with mental illness, I’ve come to recognise that I’ve held onto anger, anger at so many things and people, anger that has pulled me back and restrained me from my healing.

I’ve been angry at God, an intense, internal anger that I’ve been afraid of voicing out because of incurring the wrath of God. I’ve been so angry, I started questioning my very believe and faith in him, my entire existence was thrown into a state of confusion, I mean what did I ever do to deserve all of this? I’ve asked all manner of questions, but I received no answers, that hurt me more. I prayed day and night and cried for a sign, for anything that would assure me that God was listening. But I didn’t get any, that only frustrated me, and made me depressed. I finally came to the conclusion that God didn’t like me (even though I know at the back of my mind that this isn’t true) I stopped praying; I mean what was the point of getting down on my knees and wailing my heart out when the one who swore to protect me wasn’t doing so anymore?

I’ve been angry at my Doctors, for being confused about my problem, I’ve had to change hospitals three times and seen by a lot of doctors, who have been confused about my prognosis, saying different things each day. I’ve been subjected to all types of medication (antidepressants and antipsychotics) some have made me ‘FAT’, while others have made me sluggish, suicidal, addictive to them, and some have out me always in a perpetual state of sleepiness, some have made the depression worse. I’ve been mad at them for experimenting on me. I’ve had to put up with pompous doctors.

I’ve been mad at my ‘FRIENDS’. This one makes me so mad it triggers me into an emotional breakdown. I’ve had friends who want to be praised for being heroic for being friends with me, I’ve had friends who want to take advantage of my mental health and play with my emotions.

I’ve been mad at my family.

But this madness didn’t help me one way or the other. So I learnt on my own that I didn’t have to be mad at anyone. I came to realize that the people in my life were doing the best they could, and I was just being hard on them.in the last couple of month I’ve learnt the invaluable lesson of not being mad at everybody, I have learnt to accept the people in my life the way they are and not expect too much from anyone.

I’ve learnt that expectations bring too much baggage’s with it, I’ve learnt to be content with the love and support am being given. And boy has it helped. I’m happy now and that’s all that’s important at the moment, I’ve found so much peace you can’t imagine.

 And even though it took me awhile to realize this, I realized that I haven’t really appreciated my family, friends and doctors enough.

So, this is me in all honesty saying THANK YOU, to everyone who have put their lives on hold to help me with mine, to put a smile on my face and give me their hands and shoulders to lean on, I don’t take it for granted. THANK YOU.

 

Xoxox,

WanYande Adzo.